I called Katie when I got home from Krogers… I didn’t really want to talk to her, I mean, I wanted to hear her voice, but I wasn’t calling for a specific reason. I talked to her earlier in the day, she told me she had a paper to work on, and I told her I’d talk to her later in the day, no time specified. I ran a handful of errands… In FYE in the mall I saw Vanilla Sky on sale for six or seven dollars. I didn’t particularly care for the film when I saw it in theaters, but for that low price, I gave it second thought. Reader, do you remember Grace? I do. I also remember she liked this film, and the two or three times she mentioned it, I couldn’t remember anything about it, other than I didn’t really like it. I came home, put some rice on to cook, and put the movie in. As the movie played, there were things in it that made me think of Katie. A sort of sick irony, the kind that likes to haunt my life, right? I think of an old girlfriend for a moment and it results in me spending the bulk of my afternoon with Katie on my mind.
“You didn’t immediately want to sleep with her?” one of the Vanilla Sky characters asked another. That’s my Katie. I’ve loved other people, and I still do, I don’t really forget positive feelings, but they came after lust. If I have lust for Katie, it came after love. Love and lust, love and lust, love and lust, so similar, so different, and so important. The phone has rang twice so far, the second time someone calling for my mom and it was the bigger disappointment of the two, as it wasn’t Katie, and that want to talk to her has built up. The first one was a stranger, someone who had called the wrong number. A complete stranger. I wanted to talk to him, have someone to listen to… I wanted to know who he was calling, maybe it was a good reason, that makes people happy, or maybe it was a bad reason, that makes sadness for people. Sometimes I like to have the whole story, sometimes just enough so I can fill in the rest with my imagination. Maybe he was calling Staples, and he was finding out if they had got in a desk he was buying to surprise his wife with, not because it was her birthday, but because he loves her. Maybe he was calling a friend to go out drinking with him later, so he could meet a girl and fall in love and build up a family and a future that’s happy. That too might sound like a good story, but it doesn’t work out like that. A relationship conceived with a substance that makes all parties behave unlike they normally do is misconceived. I don’t think anyone doesn’t know this, but they still try anyway. It’s a faulty hope that drives us sometimes. I like to think I can see a bit more clearly that I used to on things like this, but I may have room to grow. So I’m going to watch more of Vanilla Sky and listen for the phone.