Okay, the toilet seat. Yes, I’m addressing the whole gender/toilet seat/position issue this morning. I spent most of my life being completely against leaving the toilet seat in any particular position, lid up or down, seat up or down, or in any other possible configuration that is available. Various females who have come and gone and some who thought it worthwhile to stick around have told me “Put the toilet seat up!” or “Put the toilet seat down!”. Unfamiliar with the situation? An article about a woman training her boys to cater to her wants in regard to the toilet.

Putting the seat up is fine. I can’t really argue against that one. I feel I have pretty decent aim with my urine, and generally don’t pee all over the seat. I do take slight offense when someone asks me to put it up because this makes two derogatory insinuations. The first is that I can’t aim where my urine goes, which (and I’m assuming, I bet) that most males like me take a slight degree of pride in the marksmanship of their urine. The second is that I’ll urinate all over the seat, and than make no effort to clean that. If I put the seat up like these females command and I pee on the bowl itself, that’s getting cleaned, let alone the seat. I’m not a inconsiderate guy who leaves little drops of urine all over the place. I’ll put the seat up and I don’t mind, but I don’t like being told to do it, because the arguments for doing it don’t apply to me. I’ve got good aim, and when I don’t I clean it up, regardless of if the seat is up or down.

How about receiving instructions to put the seat down? How to Get the Men in Your Household to Put the Toilet Seat Down. I have two problems with this article. The main problem is that it promotes nagging, which leads me to a slightly off topic point. Women who have the reputation of a nagger got that way for a reason. That woman realized one thing and one thing only: we hate it. Males hate to be nagged, that’s why it works. Take the trash out take the trash out take the trash out. FINE! I’ll take the f!@#ing trash out if you shut the f!@# up! Well we don’t usually say that, at least I don’t, but that’s what we’re thinking inside. Generally the nagging (which I can’t think of anyone who’s been a major player in my life that I could attribute to being a chronic nagger) is irrational… In the trash example, if I were watching something on TV and I was being nagged, that trash is going to be just as viable to take out after the show is over when it is convenient to me. As long as there are no other variables in play, such as the garbage man is on his way up the street right now, than if your going to remind me, do it after the show is over.

Where was I? Oh yes, problem number 2 with the article. Read the first line in that article.

Sitting down in the middle of the night on a sticky, narrow toilet bowl rim is an experience no one should have to endure.

Here is where the arguments I hear the most about the whole toilet seat situation from women that never hold water come into play. “If you leave the toilet seat up, it’s uncomfortable to sit on, or I’ll fall in, or you’ve pee’d on it and that’s just not sanitary.” and this is, of course, coming with the assumption that said female is going in there at night, also with the assumption that she hasn’t turned on the light or just didn’t let her eyes see the toilet’s position before dropping herself on it. That’s insane. That’s a argument that’s horrible. Unless that female is age six, than she has absolutely no excuse for that sort of behavior. Someone is paying the electric around here for a reason, flip on the light switch, which chances are you do anyway so why are you acting like you don’t, and look. I put it up so I don’t “pee on the seat”, you can put it down. Your just as capable in regards to upper-body strength and the toilet seat. I’m not the only human in this house that can toggle the seat.

Argument number 2, which I’ve only heard once and I nearly died after I heard it just because someone actually said it. “Putting down the lid and seat is just as bad as leaving it up.” So after a handful of years of putting the seat up and down for various horrible reasons, I get one that tells me that the lid shouldn’t be in the down position either. Here’s why: I actually believe that this one was not turning on the lights, was just flopping down on the toilet, and starting to pee at night. I’m not going to dwell on this one. I’m moving on. Ladies, don’t ever say that one. You lose all credibility. If I marry you, I’m leaving the seat in whatever position I want just to drive you insane. Just a warning.

Argument number 3, the only time I’ve ever heard this one was from my mom, and it was like two weeks ago, and she didn’t even tell me to do it, she just said that’s how she likes it. I’m sure she told my dad, and probably me a long time ago, that’s how she likes it, but I think she’s got guys figured out better than most, some things just really arn’t worth getting stressed about. If telling the guy a handful of times about some trivial thing and he doesn’t change, why get bent out of shape? A guy that pees on the seat and doesn’t clean up? That’s more than trivial, but aside from that, this whole situation ultimately is a trivial thing. What does she want? Seat and lid down. I’ve been so critical of all the other configurations that the seat/lid should be in and the reasons why. The reason she told me? Did she tell me she’s grossly incompetent and will fall into the toilet or she’s so unobservant that she can’t be bothered to notice where it’s at before sitting on it or anything like that? No, she said after someone uses the toilet they should put the lid and seat down because it looks better. She’s right. It’s a good point that is rational. Am I going to be putting seat and lid down every time I use the toilet? Nah, probably not. But a lot more often, sure. I forget things. This guy agrees with me

And just for fun I’ve added a link to the funnies page about this I’ve read. It’s funny due to the guy being so angry and in addition to that threatening to remove the toilet seat completely forcing people to have to “hover”.