I remember a couple of times during the course of our relationship, Katie asked me if she was bad for me. I always said “no”, but I had a strange feeling that maybe that should be “yes”, but I could never figure out one single really good reason on why that might be true. It was only after things ended that I figured out that feeling. The question was is it bad for me, and to me alone was it ever bad. What made it ever bad was also me, not her. I’ll tell you a story and I’ll point out where I realized it.
I know Katie is going to read this and maybe hate me a little bit for saying it, but I’ll be honest, this same honesty is a reason that everything must be so public with me, but I’ll talk about that in another post. Last night when I went to church I really wasn’t doing anything but exercising my freedom from the duty of a dedicated relationship. Rephrased, I was going out to meet girls. To skip ahead in the story a bit, that didn’t happen, but I needed to make the point that I set out with immature motives. Just because I can, is a horrible reason to do anything. So I go to New Hope and sit with my sister and her husband and during the service, I can’t really pinpoint when, but I realized that the why how I felt about and treated Katie, at least in my mind was bad, was because I was breaking the First Commandment. Katie has been my idol, my false god. Katie is the only person I can think of that I can say without a doubt I love more than myself, and that’s fine, but I put her before everything else, including my God. This revelation started a chain of spiritual events that came to an apex at work today.
This morning I woke up and for some reason I looked at her blog (and it might be the last time for a really long time that I look at it), which I had thought she had forgotten and neglected, leaving in that single entry. But there was new things. I read one line that upset me more than everything that had ever occurred within our relationship with the exception of one event. I could reprint that one line here, but I won’t, and even if I did, it wouldn’t make a single bit of sense to anyone else. It had so many positive and negative feels that just hit me full force. I went to my sister’s house to take her to work and I cried a bit in her living room while I waited for her to get ready. I took her to work and parked my truck down the road from the restaurant. I had a half hour to myself.
I prayed. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve prayed. I’ve said a prayer before meals, but that’s tradition, that’s a simple little prayer. It has been a incredibly long time since I’ve actually had a conversation with God. I think I told people that I have, but I haven’t. That was a lie. I don’t think I’ll ever pray for anything for myself ever again, I might I might not, I don’t know, but I told myself that a long time ago. God already knows what’s best for me, why ask for it? Today wasn’t an exception. I moved to the passenger side of my truck, turned the radio off and prayed for Katie. I cried so hard. I said earlier, I know she’ll read this, and every time I mention her in here I think that she thinks it’s some sort of complaint or an attempt on my part to make her sound like a bad person. Everyone needs prayer, and she’s the person I care the most about, unquestionably. I wasn’t praying for her to “find Jesus” or “get right with God” or whatever people pray for for the troubled people in their lives. I prayed that her life continues on the positive path that I’ve seen it go on in the past few months and it doesn’t go in a backwards direction in my absence. I’m scared of that. I don’t think I’ll ever really settle on how I’ve influenced her. I’d like to think that it’s all been good recently, but I just don’t know, and I don’t know how much.
I got out of my truck just before nine in the morning and started walking to the restaurant. I felt like crap. I’ve been crying for a half hour, I vomited some goo onto the street sometime in the middle of it all, and than I sort of spaced out at the end. Now I’m walking up the snowy sidewalk to the restaurant and I feel like total crap. If Vince wasn’t outside and had talked to me, I might have got back in my truck and went home. Than something changed.
I felt God. I felt giddy. I felt nervous. I felt excited. I felt a bit scared. I felt happy. I felt joy. How long has it been? I had placed Katie in a place in my mind and heart that kept God out. It came flooding in. I almost blacked out while I was making a lasagna. True, honest to God, slain in the spirit sort of thing. I thought it was total crap that people made up, the whole “slain in the spirit” thing, but I almost experienced it myself making a lasagna in that kitchen. What I had done is taken Katie’s development or spiritual walk or whatever you want to call it out of my own responsibility and given it over to God. The channel was now clear for God. It’s been on all day. I can barely focus on anything but God. I’ve not felt this good in such a long long time. My scalp tingles.