I really don’t know where to start typing, journal. I’ve got everything to say and no words to give. I feel terrible right now… But I do understand one thing. It took me a long time to really understand, and I only figured it out just now. Early in our renewed relationship, Katie seemed incredibly indecisive about whether she wanted me around or not. I know why. She was miserable with me. And than she’s break up or say we needed time apart or whatever the case was, and than talk to me about getting back together. She was miserable without me. I feel sort of wrong to smile, but I understand that now. Misery in those contexts go both ways now. Am I saying that I’m ever 100% miserable with Katie… ha no no, not at all. 100% miserable without her? Let’s find out.
The problems in the relationship are not her, nor are they specific to me. They are us. Are me and her the perfect match? I’m a bit hesitant to say this, but the answer to that may very well be yes. The part that makes it a difficult is the nature of now. After the worst parts of our relationships, when I really felt some hatred towards her, I know that I’d open up my throat and bleed myself to death just to ensure that she’d be safe or live happy. I’d do that now. And tomorrow won’t be any different.
I’ve wrote in here that she’s the only human that I’ve truly loved more than myself, and that’s true. Has been, is, and will be true. She probably hates me right now at least a little bit, maybe a lot, and that’s fine. I know I’m a big headache for her, and I know I’m a big heartache for her right now too, and that’s alright. I accept her as she is and how she comes. Where I don’t accept, is the relationship. I know not a single couple in this world that doesn’t have both joy and misery, caused by each other. At what point does the misery become too strong to remember the joy? I wish never. I wish never. I wish never. I need some distance from her. Every time we’ve had one of these times we say the exact same thing: we need distance, we need to spend a little less time with each other, etc. The same thing every time. We need some time apart.
I’m not going to tell myself that all I have to do is wait until such and such a date or that I’m going to wait for when that time comes, I’m not playing my own fool. Reader, I don’t blame Katie for anything in this relationship other than what she knows she’s to blame for, they’re very small in number. And I accept my own share of the blame. The truth be told is that the problem is where we are in life right now. Maybe also part of the problem is the distance. We’ve had our spats and fights and problems face to face, but we’re often at each other’s throats when we’re apart, over stupid stuff almost exclusively. I don’t know if that’ll change ever, and that’s something that makes me nervous.
Well I’ve seriously got to get some sleep in. I was tired when I woke up, I need a short nap before work. So let’s wrap things up, reader. Where are me and Katie now? She probably hates me. I love her so much, and once again, like every other time I’m going to say that I still want her in my life. I want to be there for her, support her, care for her, help her, do whatever I can, but I’ve got to keep a bit more distance this time. This off and on stuff is bad for both of us.