I lied, I want to type more. I really wish I could just say “f!@# it all, just forget it”. But that’s not an option. There is no easy out of this for me. I can’t just say goodbye. I did that. And it’s not working. I can’t just pick up the phone and say “Hello, how ya doin’?” Damn.

I don’t expect things to be perfect. I don’t expect her to be perfect. I don’t expect anything to be perfect. But I do expect that a relationship should hit the point where it doesn’t feel like it’s always a fixer-upper. I want that and I want that with Katie. I’ll talk to her.

I don’t know when. Not tonight. I’m not in good spirits right now. I’d make no sense to her. I’d probably just cry on the phone. That’s what I want to do though. If I had the choice of getting a thousand dollar check or just crying and her holding me, I’d pass on the money. Yeah, I’m serious.

Maybe tomorrow during my break. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to her. I’m a mess inside. In my mind and heart and soul. Would she even want to talk to this train wreck? Maybe she hates me by now. I think that win/lose/draw I’m still going to have AIM die. She was right. Talking all the time, continually is bad. Let’s be honest for a second. It feels good not to talk to her all the time. I don’t like not having talked to her for a whole day, it feels real bad. But I went to bed last night and had no idea where she was and felt no need to worry about it at all. I slept pretty good last night. If it’s mean to say, than mean it is, but talking to her all the time is bad. And I hate AIM. Both of us do. You can’t tell emotion through the Internet.

I’m going to get a shower. Probably cry in there too.