I had to get a password off of kurt today, so I had to fire up vnc, which still has gaim running. One of Katie’s friends messaged me sometime last night I think telling me she’s worried about me. I sent a reply asking her to call me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’d have to say to her friend, I don’t know what she’d have to say to me. I’m not sure if I want her to call or not anymore.
I was watching the Simpsons and thinking about things, probably not the best combination. I had the notion, for at least a little bit, that maybe life would be like TV, and the girl’s friend would have some sort of magic cure or say the right words or have some idea that I haven’t already had that would cure all of the relationship problems that me and the girl have had. Magic, right? Sounds impossible, right? Well, impossible things happen every day, but I wouldn’t wager a dime on any one of them.
Here’s the straight skinny, reader… I miss Katie. A lot. Here comes the big but, I don’t want the relationship that comes with her. Both me and her have made it rather clear to each other that it just wouldn’t work on the “friendship” level. Was I rash for hanging up on her? Maybe. Was I wrong for cutting her off from me? No, obviously not. If we can’t be anything but lovers to each other, than I don’t feel unjustified. I’d like things to be good between the two of us in either department… The friends-only thing or boyfriend-girlfriend thing. In the first, she’s right, I’m right, we’ve gone too far to go back. In the second, it just seemed to slowly get worse as time went by. Is it the distance alone? Probably, maybe… I guess I don’t know.
I found myself thinking today: “Maybe this time it’d be better. Just pick up the phone, apologize for not talking to her for a day (yeah a day, it feels like a month) and see what’s going on”, but I’ve told myself that every time that we’ve had one of these breaks. Is it time for me to just wake up and smell the freakin’ coffee? That it’s reality check time and it’s stupid to keep hoping?
I remember talking to her in one of the more recent breaks about how I didn’t want to make any sort of promises about not seeing other people during our breaks. I guess I never really explained why, and I think that’s because I never really found words for it. The reason why is this: although I’d wait a long long time for Katie to come around and grow up a bit, and sure, for myself too, I know I wouldn’t wait forever. How long will that take? She told me on the phone that she was going to move on because she wasn’t going to just “sit here waiting” and maybe for nothing. Well it works both ways. I don’t want to wait around for nothing too.
Back to the same thing here, that if I woke up tomorrow morning and I had the assurance that a big chunk of the relationship problems we’ve had dried up, I’d go back in a big big way, but I can’t be assured that. I know no one can. Is it just because I’m a pessimist that I think the problems I have will never dry up? Or maybe I know enough of Katie to know that it’s not going to happen, or it’ll take years and years and years to happen? I can’t say. I couldn’t even guess.
I’m not sure if she hates me. I’m not sure of anything about how she feels right now. I can’t say I don’t care, because I do. I care so much. If I could just focus on the rage I felt on Wednesday I think I could do just fine. Anger burns just fine in me, but it’s difficult to keep stoked in the direction of Katie. That’s the problem when a person loves another person as much as I love her. I could be angry or hate or resentful of my own parents for a long long time before I’d harbor the same feelings against Katie. These sort of thoughts are what make me want to pick up the phone. The memories of the irrational and unwarranted treatment of myself that would crop up from time to time keep me from doing it.
I’ve just got to stop thinking “it’ll be different this time”, because I have 0% evidence that that would even be half way to being true. I hope my reader has paused to laugh and say “You’ll never get any evidence one way or the other if you never talk to the girl,”. I’ve got to laugh too, reader. I do want that evidence… I could punch in a list of complaints I’ve got about the movement or direction or maintance or whatever of what was …between me and Katie, but what would that serve you? Remember that long e-mail I mentioned a week or two back that I sent her? She’s got a pretty good list, she told me she wasn’t going to even bother replying to it, and I think that was said in the heat of the moment, but I think she has a pretty good idea of what my problem is with the relationship.
I don’t know, reader, I really feel very very confused right now. Katie completely has my heart right now, and I’d love for her to tell me that this or that would change and everything would be all better. I’ve heard it before though. I remember that during one of our most difficult times I asked her to change three things and I’d take her back, if this is being read in the far far future, my 2004 journal is probably attached, read about it in there… And she told me that she’d do “Anything to be with me,” and that the things would happen. The weekend following that ordeal I went to visit her and she told me that she wasn’t going to do any of those three things. That’s the extreme example, I know… There have been lessers as well… If I did hear these things would I even believe them at all?
I’m going to try and explain how I’m feeling right now… I think that back when Katie read this all the time, and for all I know she still does, I really think that the tone that I wrote in was different than how I really meant it. So here it is: I’m sad, I miss her, I’m conflicted, I’m upset, I’m lonely, I’m a freakin’ mess. If I could come up with one valid way or reason or method of getting things on the right track with her, it would change. How long have I been thinking about what that one thing might be? A casual reader might think that it would be all day, but it’s been so much longer than that. I said that the decline of the relationship wasn’t overnight. A diligent reader would see that. This is something that’s been on my mind for at least a month. Just one thing to do or say or change that would ensure I won’t stay up at night, laying awake, and worrying… Likely about nothing, but that’s besides the point. Let me digress and cover a broader thing. Long distance relationships are hellish. Hellish. Ryan and Kate are doing that now, and I know that Ryan must have spent a couple of nights laying awake, terrified that sometime the next day he’d get a phone call: “I’ve been doing drugs,” “I met this new guy,” “I got raped,” “I don’t think things are going to work out,” or whatever. As a guy, I know that we think that our locality to our significant other has some large bearing on the choices or actions or events that take place. Standard Guy Control, I suppose.
Now, consider these concerns for the Long Distance Relationship and compound them with two traits of Katie’s personality. These two things are “indecisiveness” and “secretive”. I’m not going to start in on the indecisiveness again in this typing, but let’s look at secretive. If I had given her a voice in this forum she’d probably explode all over me with “What have I ever kept a secret from you?!” and justly so. If I ask her about something, she’ll be honest. In that regard she’s likely the most honest person I’ve ever known. It’s the asking. There are things that she doesn’t tell me unless I ask. Are they because they’re dark secrets? No. Not at all. I remember one time, I told her that I wanted to know what she did during the day, she countered with that I was controlling, I told her I just wanted to know what she did during the day, where she had her lunch, did she have an interesting conversation with someone, learn anything new in class today?… Things like that. And here is a good example of where my problem comes into play. Start tossing in a bunch of secrecy into a relationship and I start to get suspicious. On one hand, I know that my suspicions are irrational, but on the other hand, I know that if there was a heightened degree of openness, there would be need for the suspicion in the first place.
I’m done with this piece… I don’t want to type anymore… If it sounds like I’m dumping all of the blame on Katie, sorry. Let’s look at the hands again, on one hand, from where I am, if things got started again who’d have to change the most is her, on the other hand, why is that? because she only tells me there is something she wants to change when she’s angry, and when she’s angry is when the immaturity flairs up the most. I don’t know if what she’s saying is something that needs work or if it’s just her trying to push my buttons.
I might go to bed early if I don’t hear from that friend of hers in another hour or so. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll have my permeating love, my picture, and my memories. And what else? Not much.