I got paid today. My bank account has more money in it than it has since that time I … had that problem … with those people… If you know the story, you know it, if you don’t you don’t… So I decided to do something nice for Ryan. He’s been stressed recently about his move situation, and I hope that’s all. I dropped him off at Studio Blu today for an hour massage and left a pizza at Donato’s afterwards. Later in the day I’d tell Katie about it and sometimes I really think that she (and perhaps others) thinks that something is going on between me and Ryan. I don’t really mind if people think I’m gay, if they ask me, I’ll tell them that I am. Nothing beats confirming Today’s Latest Rumour.

After I left him there, I went to Faith for Freedom Place. I didn’t bother bringing my hackey sack, I didn’t feel in the mood for it. I showed off my pictures (you can find the picks of the litter on the art page) to a few people. Rob said he never knew that I was into photography, but I could have sworn I’d taken in a wheelbarrow’s load worth of pictures to Freedom Place in the past couple of years… How could he have missed all of those? Oh well. He knows now, and that’s cool. It sort of sucks how much I have been neglecting my relationship with him. It seems like I can’t find time to maintain some of my relationships recently, and they’re growing stagnant. I’ll see what I can do in the days to come to go somewhere or spend some time with him.

During “faith focus” time he showed a video from the Velocity series. Let me talk for a minute about that series before I go on… The Velocity series is a bunch of Christian DVDs that star some sort of MTV VJ reject introducing some video clips featuring teenagers talking about their day to day problems or issues and than some other video clips exhibiting what the Bible has to say about it. Although I’m sure the videos do tons of good for lots of people I can’t get past how much blatant effort is put forward towards trying to make the video’s hip. Some of the interviews are done to make it look like it’s a webcast or something, it just feels pathetic and sad to me. I hope it doesn’t for the kids who it’s supposed to be helping.

Well today’s Velocity video was about social circles. The kids interviewed were, of course, the prime targets in high schools, a couple of overweight kids. The male they interviewed wasn’t just overweight, he was goofy and no one would be doubtful about his claims of being labeled a “loser”. He was. He had zero confidence. Did his years of being bullied and teased and ostracized kill his self confidence? Maybe. It’s this soul’s opinion that bullies target, unconsciously, people with low confidence to start with, and this kid likely never had much to start with. Here’s some more thoughts of mine on the issue of overweight and high school. I knew a handful of “cool kids” in high school that were overweight, one that I’d go so far as saying clinically obese. The weight and the teasing have very little to do with each other, people just use it as easy fodder for an easy target. Why people tease and bully and run others down is a topic for another time. Yeah I’m getting to my point… The VJ reject told his video slaves that there are “three types of people” (hooray (seriously) for someone who didn’t play into the cliche of “there are only two types of people”) in high school, the insiders, outsiders, and in-betweeners. This is likely true, and true to life, not just high school. Soul Patch then told us that most of us are all in-betweeners, which is a beautiful move of politik on his part, forming a sense of oneness with his audience. This started me thinking… Which am I?

The funny thing is… I think I’ve always been an insider, but I’ve always wanted to be an outsider. Everybody is my friend. I’ve never met someone who didn’t like me. There have been only two people that I’ve known of that seriously didn’t like me, and they were parents of girlfriends, one rightfully so, and the other was an idiot. I’d still like to punch that guy. Than I started to think… Why do I fit in so well sometimes… I feel moved to wedge myself into a social circle, and here we are, no problems at all. More on this in a paragraph or two.

I went to New Hope for the Wednesday night service. I was pretty dang happy that the pastor called for the house lights to be darked during a big section of the service. It helps with environmental comfort and the photosensitivity. A video was shown that exhibited George W. as a born again man after the Lord’s heart. I don’t think I’m able to buy into anything said about that man anymore. I still feel overloaded after the maelstrom of information about him after Fahrenheit 9/11. Outwardly, he seems like a solid president, and as far Joe American, me, is concerned, that’s all that really counts. If he’s chock full of secret motives and underhanded dealings, do I really care or need to care? Am I being bamboozled? Tomorrow comes, I do my routine, I have a good day, I have a bad day, and the president wasn’t responsible for any of it.

I mentioned Revvy before. I like Revvy, quite a bit. How he functions in social situations with me is very nice because he doesn’t understand that things I do are nutty. Tonight though I got a bit worried and weirded out. I feel bad though… Because I know Revvy, and I know why I shouldn’t be weirded out, but I let myself get a bit freaked. I know why I appeal to him, it’s more than the attention I’ve given him the three times I’ve seen him, it’s that Other Thing. I’ve only got one more person I’ve got to talk about that Other Things who I think can shed some light on it, and she probably hasn’t even got my letter yet. I’ll probably hang out with Revvy next week and make sure I practice my self-discipline… I can’t get weirded out by something that neither of us can really be responsible for.

After the service, the New Hope Gang went to Steak’N’Shake. I decided tonight that this is another instance in my life that I’ve done one thing for my own selfish reasons and had the Almighty turn it into something that will serve his purposes. I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t even feel like I’ve got the rug yanked out from under me like I have before. I didn’t even feel disappointed this time. It feels like a running joke between old friends now. I thrust myself into a social circle for a entirely selfish reason and immediately see that not only was it a bad choice, but it was based on incredibly flawed information and perceptions… So that brings me to the other side: what reason am I now in the midst of the New Hope Gang for the Greater Glory of God? I don’t know. I’ve always been on the Need To Know Basis and it hasn’t been revealed to me, but I know there is a curtain there… Just not when it’s going to be raised. I have to laugh as I think that I sort of miss the old days when I wasn’t able to recognize God’s hand, and things were always a surprise. A terrible or beautiful or wonderful or devastating surprise, but it was these things because I didn’t bother to make certain realizations. Now I’m a bit older, a bit wiser, and a bit more responsible.

I stayed there at Steak’N’Shake until midnight when we left… The real late conversations are usually the best. During the Making Of Vanilla Sky video, the director said that the movie was designed to feel like those surprisingly deep conversations that come only late at night and all so naturally.

Tomorrow I’ll hunt for that tunnel I wanted to find on Tuesday. Tomorrow I write.