The New Hope Gang has a member that they have a problem with. They think he’s a serious BSer. And one of his friends in the group put it this way: “I love him, but it’s getting old.” That’s where I am with Katie right now. She treats me like I’m her boyfriend, which is a problem, she acts like I’m her boyfriend which is a problem, I’m almost positive now she’s a mild bipolar, and she’s still just as unstable in her mood as ever. In all honosty, I think she lives in a fantasy world. Today, for example, she told me “I thought we weren’t seeing other people,” which I know very very very well that we’ve had no less that FOUR conversations in the past two weeks in which I’ve told her I’ve made no such agreements.

One time, it was awhile ago, her mom called her pathetic and she asked me if she thought she was pathetic too. I told her that sometimes a little bit yes… But right now it’s a full on yes. Maybe I’ll be super narcissistic to say this, but I think she realizes that I’m the best that she can do. If your reading this with my old 2004 journal attached you can read the run down of my evaluation of her value to the male gender, in which she doesn’t stack very high in the Relationship Desireability. She seems to be doing everything that she can to ensure that we wind up together. At first I thought it was just her missing being with me and they were the regular attempts that a ex-girlfriend who still wanted things to work would make, but now it’s downright pathetic. It really really is. Today she asked me if I’d cosign a student loan. Granted, that might be a legitimate need for her, which I wouldn’t do, probably not even if she was my wife, but where is her family for that?

Every few conversations I have with her she suggests I move to Cincinnati. The last conversation I had with her on the phone today I tried to lay it on pretty thick without being direct that I had little interest in starting up a romantic relationship with her again anytime soon. I don’t think she got it at all. She said, “Move down here to Cincinnati,” and I said “I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other, and I don’t want to do that if we’re not together,”
“Maybe we’d get back together…”
“Katie…”
“We’re going to be together… I know it.”

Would I ever consider dating Katie again? Yes! That’s a solid and complete answer. Yes! Why don’t I now? She feels more of a mess inside than ever. It’s beyond issues of maturity, her brain doesn’t seem to connect with reality as well as it used to. When I decided that the break that we had last time was going to be one that held a larger degree of perminance than the previous ones I thought a month or two, but there have been so many things that she’s done or said that make me want to extend it further and further. I thought, at first, that she’d just need some time away from me to learn to appreciate me and stop treating me like I’m something that’s guarunteed or like I’m not an adult. It’s past that now. Old problems seem to have a greater permanence in her, new problems have come to light, and despite our agreement on some issues, she still continues to want to overlook them, wanting to re-embark on at relationship that failed due to these problems, which are still very much present.

Maybe I’m confusing her… I’m not taking all the blame for this one though, I’m really not. She’s getting nutty. I know her well enough I can see it. When I tell her that I’m “not moving on”, this doesn’t mean I’m holding on to her, it just means that I’m not hunting the market for someone else. English and American culture seem to lack in the terms that are proper for being forthright in meaning in regards to romance. I would certainly date someone else after I feel that my mind and emotions have reconnected to a normal level after the rollercoaster of suspicion that I had with Katie, and that someone else was worth dating. I said in a previous post that I continually evaluate other females, this is something I did with Katie and something I continue to do now. In reality, I have looked and looked for a very long time and found no one worth, atleast presently, my time. The New Hope Gang has a selection of very attractive females, but they’re children. I’m not going to date someone who is my emotional inferior. I can’t do it anymore.

That’s enough for tonight.