Tonight, Primo, our bartender, tells us that someone told him that our old bus girl, Kirby, had moved to North Carolina, at some point, with her boyfriend. This boyfriend subsequently beat someone to death and Kirby was involved in such a way that she’s got to take the stand. In and of itself not a very interesting story. Yes, I come from a culture so depraved that a murder is of only mild interest.

What did interest me tonight was the thoughts I had after this story: Primo told me later that during her time as a busser, he, one night, asked her why she seemed so tired. She told him that she had spent the whole night trying to get her boyfriend out of jail. Why was he in jail? Because she called the police on him. Why did she call the police on him? Because he was high as a kite and waving a gun outside of her house. Why was he doing that? According to Primo, according to Kirby, because “I did him wrong,” whatever that meant.

Let’s do a recap. Kirby does something to set an obviously unstable individual off. He winds up drugged up out of his mind with malicious mania (Although I hypothesis that this is a attention getting attempt, twisted, yes, but nothing more) waving a gun on her front lawn. Kirby picks up the phone, turning to the police. If she was actually in danger or felt herself in danger is another question. The police come, they arrest this person. Here comes the real retarded part: she spends the rest of the night in a jail office trying to get the person that she put there out.

I asked Primo, “When does a person realize that this sort of relationship is unacceptable?” He replied, and rather rightly, that “stupid girls like that like drama”. Yep, he’s right. She’ll never get out of that relationship, and if she does, it’ll only be to someone else who’s a whack job. What makes this girl happy is being able to tell her sad story to someone else. That was probably a great night for Kirby, she got two stories to overact out later, the Crazy Boyfriend with a Gun story that everyone knows and loves and later tonight we’ll also be showing True Love’s Dedication and the Muskingum County Department of Corrections. I’ll expect to be seeing Kirby on Maury or Springer sometime in the next couple of years.

That’s where talk show guests come from, at least those kinds of talk shows… They’re graduate drama queens (and kings), who are fortunate enough to have something so horrible happen to them, or for the purist in the drama queen community, they’ve done to themselves, that they can dedicate the rest of their lives to getting over this one thing. I’m not being preachy here or talking down about these people (yeah I typed “these people”), I’m only giving my opinion about their origins. I find their lot in life to be sad, but I understand it.