Ok good funny ha ha stuff first, for my reader that likes the positive and can skip the rest.
When I’m at work, I try to not use the bathroom while our cleaning lady, Penny, is working. It impeeds her from doing her work. Today though, I had to use the bathroom, and worst of all it was right after I got to work, which is when she needs to get in and out of the closet in the men’s room the most for her gear. I saw that she had most of it out, so I thought it was ok. I get in there, sit down in the stall, and get started doing my business. A knock at the door.
“I’m in here, Penny!” I call out.
“Ok,” the muffled response.
I get back to thinking about how it used to be that all my poor choices in life somehow involved my heart or my soul, now they involve jalapeno peppers. How depressing. The door opens, someone comes in, goes directly to the closet. Blue shirt and white tennis shoes. Penny? Didn’t she just figure out I was in here about a minute (no joke) earlier? She leaves, and a minute later there is another knock. I let her know that I’m yes, still in here and yes, I’ll be out in just a minute. I didn’t really care there was a female in the men’s room, she’s not going to see anything that someone her age hasn’t seen before, and there is a stall door in between me and her, so she’s only getting the stench (yes there was one, a quarter can of air spray couldn’t mask it). It just weirded me out that she knocks, finds out I’m in there, comes back a minute later like she owns the place, and than comes back a minute later and knocks again.
Last night at New Hope, I’m sitting in my favorite spot, second row back, dead center, behind my sister and her husband. After the service I ask my sister, “Who is that girl? The one who sat next to you? On the right?” She tells me that the girl’s name is Tiffany. I tell her she looks at me. A lot. For weeks I’ve seen her steal glances at me or sometimes I can see her out of the corner of my eye actually staring at me. I’ve watched her, looking to see if she does that with anyone else. So far my answer to that is no. Hillary tells me that “she’s weird”, and I know Hillary doesn’t mean this in a derogatory sense, like any normal human would take it. She just means she’s got a quirk to her. So I ask, “Weird?” She tells me that Tiffany “notices little things” and “probably thinks your weird”, which this time she means in a derogatory sense.
Today, Patty and Sheena got into it and somehow Tina got caught in the mix. Patty is standing by the dish tank talking to her daughter, which she’s been doing for some time. Tina comes in, starts making a salad for her table, which is Patty’s job. Sheena, who doesn’t like Patty, as far as I can tell, tell’s Tina not to, it’s Patty’s job. I agree, but this whole opera of estrogen I have no vocal part in from start to finish. Tina says that she doesn’t mind. It’s just one salad after all. Sheena than announces loudly that she has salads. Patty doesn’t seem to notice, and continues to chat with her daughter. Sheena than includes Patty’s name in the announcement. Still, no change from Patty. Sheena than approaches Patty and tells her she has a shrimp cocktail and salads that she needs to do. Sheena by this point has become cranky and didn’t express this in a civil manner, so Patty is now offended. That’s when my story enters into a place where conventional terms and words that a male can use fail to explain what occurred. All I really know is that I heard “You know damn well what I said!” and the MF word was used a lot between the two. Terra later intervenes and I miss her dialog, but I know she’s not happy. All the negative energy in that room made me feel like eating some meat. Which isn’t something I’ve done today. Eat, that is.
So I’ve been in poor spirits today, and I think I figured out why I’ve been sort of down recently. I started getting clues to why about a week ago, but now it’s sort of clicked in my brain. I’m largely alone. I guess that equates to me being lonely. I’ve got people around me, but the connections that occur that are deep and meaningful… I just don’t seem to get enough of it. Where I want the positive aspects of my socialization to occur doesn’t happen regularly. It’s a two fold probably really. Both my fault and those I socialize with’s fault, at least in regards to me. If someone doesn’t connect with me on a deep level, I can’t really blame them for it, nothing obligates them too. How long has it been since I expressed my deepest concerns or problems or feelings to someone? Or even tried? Reader, you might think that this forum, which I’ve used as a dumping ground for my thoughts, includes my deepest thoughts or feelings. Well it doesn’t. Jason called me today after work. I talked to him for awhile, and it was nice. Jason and me have maybe only once or twice had a conversation that ran really really deep, about mine or his feelings or thoughts. I have to say though that I’ve had much more regularity with conversations that dip past the superficial with him than anyone else I can remember right now. We talked about his ex and we talked about Katie and we talked about making money and we talked about how bored we were with our jobs and a mutual feeling of loniness that’s been growing. That felt good.
Katie called after he did. We talked about our stupid friends, and it felt good. I tried to express my feelings about how the disappointment about my friend(s) to her, but I think I missed the mark. Katie gave me a sort of clue a week back… A clue about my disconnection. I was complaining to her about how her uncle mistreated one of my coworkers, she got mad at me. Here’s the setup, I’m wanting to come home to a sympathetic ear and complain about my job. She’s hear me run down her relative. My boss. I can’t really complain about my job, because I’m complaining about her relatives. I hate that. A lot. I totally understand though. I don’t want her to just let me complain like I do about her family and grin and bear it and hate it on the inside, that’s nonsense. I don’t like hearing people talk about my uncles and I’m not even as close to them as she is to hers. I understand. That was it though. That started my brain off in thinking, where else am I lacking? Who else refuses to listen or I refuse to open up to?
Ryan? We’ve had so few conversations that ran deep. I can face that now, it’s always about things that are ultimately stupid. TV, movies, Star Wars, storm trooper uniforms, the stupid people we work with, the stupid people in the news, and the standard fare for friends to talk about. We’ve hung out, we’ve had some really really fun and memorable times together, but why has that deeper connection never happened? I know everyone that I’ve mentioned in this entry has deep feelings and thoughts. Is it my fault that the connection on a deeper level hasn’t happened? The answer is, yes, and it’s theirs too. I can speculate on all these individuals on why a more fulfilling connection hasn’t been established and maintained, but I won’t. There is lots and lots of things I don’t chronicle in here because they’re personal to the other person. Not my business to share. Katie Katie Katie… She’s seen me at my worst, at least emotionally, on several occasions, and I appreciate her for being there for that. That’s a piece of me I’ve never shown in such a big way to anyone else. Have I shown her a piece of me in a more moderate sense? Ever? Either I talk about the same stupid crap that I talk to everyone else about or I’m shaking and crying. No middle. Have I? Maybe I’ve got some crazy opinions, but shouldn’t the significant other have heightened access to the emotional person in their other? Maybe she doesn’t want it. Maybe she doesn’t know to miss it? I don’t know. Maybe she’s content hearing me whine about how I hate going to Steak’N’Shake.
I don’t like the long distance thing. Today it’s even harder because I’m realizing some serious problems in my socializing. Most of it’s my fault. I’m the problem. The situation about me and Katie, the distance, isn’t so much my fault. If she can’t hear me complain about her relatives, that’s ok, I understand, I know… If I can’t open myself up in a middle area to her, ok, I’m broken and I can’t fix myself… But I come home… I’ve had a hard day at a job I’m pretty well fed up with and unsatisfied with, and no Katie. Hell, most of the time my parents aren’t even awake when I get home. Let’s look past that even, the f!@#ing dog sleeps with them, so he’s not even out for me to hug and tell him how stupid he is. If I can’t have a sympathetic ear, and maybe I don’t want a shoulder to cry on, would it be so much to get a hug from someone that cares at the end of the day? I’m crying a little bit right now, and that feels ok. I’m determined to do something, connect with someone. My first exercise will be tonight. One of the servers yesterday told me she had spent the whole night crying. I didn’t pry into it. Tonight, I’ll ask her about it, I’ll listen, and I won’t give her one bit of my problems. I want to hear what she has to say, and I don’t want to just wait around for my turn to whine about my life. I know I’m a good listener, and I think that’s the first step to establishing a meaningful relationship with other people. It feels so messed up to think like this, especially in regard to Katie. I know we care for each other, a lot… Do we really show each other that, which I think we should?
Effort, that’s the only thing I can put forward now.
Last night, Revvy thanked me for encouraging him. That felt good. He asked me if I ever felt like I was invisible and no one saw me or cared for me. At the time, I thought, “Damn, Revvy, is this high school? High schoolers feel like that, we’re big people now.” Yeah. I do feel like that. People look at me, people talk to me, some people care about me, I just want to tell someone what I’m afraid of, what keeps me up at night, why sometimes I don’t bother, and not have them give me anything except attention. I’m setting the example tonight. “Why were you crying the other night?” and than I’m going to shut the hell up.