I’m feeling a bit vexed today. I’d like to know if some of the “good people” in this world ever feel frustrated that they’re “good people”. I want to know if they ever feel like saying “f!@# it all, nothing has meaning to me, I’ll do whatever the f!@# I want.” It’s easier to go through life without virtue. I’d imagine significantly less fulfilling, but nothing of substance to weight a person down. I don’t want a balance between the two poles, I want one or the other, and I’m too far down the path of trying to be “good” to go back. I desire to have substance and meaning, not mindless, pointless, purposelessness that comes with not being able to care or love or worry or hope.

Let’s talk about the things that happened today that don’t carry much weight. Ryan told me about a movie he watched last night, it was called The Hole. The plot is, there are a handful of teenagers that go into a bomb shelter to party or hang out or whatever, and they get sealed inside for a couple weeks. The meat of the plot comes from the interactions between teenagers as the unusual environment starts to cause them to suffer. Lack of food, water, etc. I’ve always enjoyed this idea.

The value that most people assign themselves come from the value that they perceive others give them. So, if we are judging our own value based on how big of a fish we are in our social ponds, if we are removed from the ocean of society at large and dropped into a veritable bucket, wouldn’t our perceived importance suddenly skyrocket? See any type of movie like this, The Flight of the Phoenix is another recent one that deals with that same topic, or any of the Cube series, of which I’ve seen one. If a small group of people find themselves in a environment which is much more hostile than their usual environment and they must rely upon each other to survive it… Now that’s some life.

I can remember as far back as middle school thinking that I’d love to be the guy you see on a sitcom trapped in a stalled elevator with some strangers. Even in the elevator scenario, which is only going to last for a day at the most until the fire department pulls you out, there would be some serious openness that would go on. Fight Club’s narrator speculates with Marla that when people think your dying, they really listen to you, instead of just waiting their turn to talk. That statement was made about support groups, cancer, parasites, whatever kills people… Imagine being on a small plane with a group of strangers and the pilot has a fatal heart attack. The people who pick themselves out of the wreckage have now become an instant support group for each other. We survived, we went through something together. Something important. We appreciate life together… Because we almost lost it.

Hopefully, anyone that knows me can think of at least one time that they told me about something bad… Maybe something really really bad, maybe just a general complaint, but I hope they can remember a time they told me about that Bad Thing, and I gave no reply that started off like “Well, when that happened to me” or “You think that’s bad? Listen to this:”. I’m dying, your dying, so I try to shut up and listen. Funny, I started to realize this before Jack and Marla ever pointed this out to us.

If I had one wish. It’d be that zombies started to rise out of their graves and attack cities. This is for very similar reasons as the want to be trapped in an elevator. 1) I’d have things to do, i.e. kill zombies, 2) People would really start to appreciate their life if they knew that any night the hordes of zombies might try to come for them in their sleep. If I had two wishes, I’d go with the elevator scenario, or the small plane wreck survivor one… I’d prefer not to have both of my wishes at the same time though. Being stuck in an elevator while zombies attacked is a Really Bad Day.

The most horrible thing I’ve heard all day, and I’ve been awake for about seven hours now… Is that Ryan told me that the Foxhole (a local strip club) has a pregnant stripper. Is it bad that the job stripper exists? Yes. Is it bad that this is the best some girl could do? Yes. Is this a hallmark of our wretched society? Yes. What’s the worst part about the pregnant stripper situation? Knowing that one day that kid is going to find out that while his mom was pregnant with him or her that she was stripping. I can’t tell you why this would have such a profoundly negative impact on a person, but I know it would. I talked to Katie today during my break, that was good. Sort of comforting. I’ve been feeling a bit disturbed today… Stirred up in the mind, not really sure why or what for, but I have… Fortunately today, no one turned all the lights on in the basement, so it was nice down there. Cool and dark. I’ve toyed with the idea of staying down there instead of going home some night. Dark and cool. I probably won’t, but I’ve thought about it. Now, maybe a waffle before work. I didn’t get my nap in like I thought I would.