So we’ll start this entry as any of my good ones should start: with Katie. Also in the last post of hers she put:
he’s the one that doesnt want to be with you. but he
doesnt want anyone else to be with you either
I first read that and got a little ticked. How in the world does she know what I want? She’s right. I don’t want to be with her. As much as we might care for each other, things just weren’t clicking, we both know that nothing new there. What about the second part? Do I not want her to be with anyone else? At first, I thought to myself, that’s just stupid. I’ve told her lots of times that she can date whoever she wants, just live up to her promise of giving me notice. Then, I realized. Yeah, she’s right. Sort of. Truth: I want Katie to be happy, even if that’s with someone else. Truth: I’ll be at least a little jealous about whoever she dates, even if she doesn’t date anyone for two years and by then I’m married to someone else and have a kid and a house. Truth: The previous two truths are at odds with each other which certainly would make things painful on me.
So why is it sort of true that “he doesn’t want anyone else to be with you”? It’s mis-phrased. I don’t want her to be with just anyone else. She’s thinking of it from the wrong angle to start with, I don’t care one bit about anyone else. She’s the one I care about. Secondly, I care about her and she should have someone who is a decent human. I’ve spent enough time in Cincinnati and around the environment that I know she’s in when she’s “out” to know that the guys she’s meeting are not Sunday morning church kids. You understand where I’m going with this? I don’t want her dating some piece of s!@# who only wants to get in her pants and won’t treat her decently. That’s the bottom line on that.
For me and dating it’s about the same. I lack the motivation to date someone else right now. I’ll be honest and say that I’ve found myself a few times thinking “maybe I should, maybe it’s time”, but I don’t, and for now, I won’t. There have been… mmm… I’m wanting to say two, but I can only think of one, since the Katie break, that there was a girl who was talking to me and she seemed interested. sigh I’m trying to remember the setting around this, but for some reason I can’t even come up with when or where this happened… Well I supposed it’s irrelevant for the point I’m trying to make… The point is, that girl, although very attractive and paying me some attention, I was uninterested in, and not because of my continuing feelings for Katie. The reason is, she’s stupid. Even a year ago, that wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have standards. I thought I had standards, I was wrong. I’ve got them now. Subsequent evaluations of females around me, even ones that are unattractive physically or completely wrong age-wise (on both ends of the spectrum) I’ve come to the conclusion that there really isn’t anyone presently in my life that I would want to date. And if the regularity during which people who match up with my idea of who I’d be willing to consider dating, I don’t think I’m due for another person to date for probably six to eighteen months. Not a complaint, I’m rather happy right now being single, and as weird as it feels for me to write this: if that girl that I’d be willing to date showed up today, I’d probably turn her away. Not because I’m always busy and don’t really have time for a girlfriend, not because of Katie, not because of … No reason other than unless Jesus himself showed up with this girl and told me to date her and she’s perfect for me in every way, I don’t want to date anyone.
Pessimism really shows in me when it comes to the Other People Department, and this isn’t a thought exclusive to dating. It spills out to Other People in General. I don’t want to even start in on any sort of relationship with a person who is counter-productive to the positive direction I’m trying to make in my life and I want nothing less for Katie. If the nasty spin our friendship has taken in the last day takes a turn for the worst, crashes, and burns, and neither of us want to talk to each other ever again (or things pan out just fine), I know I still love her. I know I still care for her. And I know that I don’t want her to be with some son of a b!@#$ who pulls her back into a life that I know she’s made a really good effort at leaving.