I was honest with Katie. I told her things that hurt to say, and I know hurt to hear. The messed up thing is that most of them are probably fairly petty, the Getting Off The Phone Issue for example. I’m going to try and not do the two faced thing where I’m talking to Katie and acting good and then run to my stupid journal and start complaining about her or us or anything. She told me that the journal post of hers that included how wonderful her time was with some guy was supposed to be private and led me to believe there were other private entries. Tell you what folks, that didn’t make me feel any better about a single thing. In fact that tossed some gas on the fire.
This morning I told her I wasn’t planning on coming to see her this weekend. And as of this moment, it’s still that way. She asked me to think about it, and I will, and I told her not to be optimistic about it. I’ve got to be more direct with people. I really consider myself to be an open and honest person, but I think that I’ve wasted a lot of time and effort on my part and the part of other peoples about not being direct. The round-a-bout indirect way of doing things has been a big problem, and I realize this now.
She told me this morning that she was going to tell me about this guy on Sunday. She tells me this afternoon that she’s probably never going to see this guy again. I asked her which is the bulls!@#. Something still smells of lies. I feel ok typing that because I told her that. The pieces don’t fit. Which is it? Do you live up to your promise of giving notice of someone else or is it nothing?
I pull up her journal, which is something I’m probably going to stop doing (again) since I’d rather live in the dark when it comes to her and anything that doesn’t have to do with me (selfish? nah, cowardice.), after I talked to her. It included the line:
can i remain friends with him after this?
Had I read that entry before I got on the phone with her, I think the conversation would have went differently.
Reader, you’ve been made privy to a lot of things in regards to Katie and me. The first thing that anyone who follows this load of crap I call a journal should know she’s special to me, more so than anyone else. You’ve been made aware of good times and you’ve been made aware of bad times. No one else has had more space given in this journal, or in my mind, or in my heart than her. So little has changed from the first weekend of last quarter to this day in regards to how I feel about her, except today. In the past I’ve been angry, I’ve been upset, I’ve been … pretty much every negative emotion that a person could have, but only for awhile. Although I had a negative emotion, I could clearly see the feelings that I have for Katie, today that’s changed. I’m not saying I hate her or anything like that, but something today has definitely changed. What can I blame it on? What’s been going on the last twelve hours or so? No, something else, but I can’t put my finger on it.
Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about things. At some point she expressed how she didn’t want me to do the “get mad at me and just completely ignore me for days” (which I did once), but I don’t think she feared what I had put out as a valid option for myself. Nothing. That’s it. The next time I talk to her I’d tell her to stop calling, stop e-mail, don’t look in my direction. I really thought about telling her that. Let’s face it folks, for me definitely, and I’d put money on it being likely for her, we cause a lot of stress and problems in each other’s lives. I give her crap, she gives me crap, so why not just stop? Seems logical right?
What I thought about to talk myself out of that is this: during prior occasions on which things have got crappy between the two of us I found myself hating myself for every single time I told her that I love her. Not because it was a lie, but because it was true. So incredibly true. Let me riddle you this: can I toss Katie out of my life and still love her? The answer to that, as messed up and as wrong as it may sound is this: yes. I tried to identify anyone that is currently in my life that I simply couldn’t go on without. The answer is: no one. My friends, my co-workers, even my family, even Katie.
I’m sitting here, trying to think of where to go next with my thoughts. I’m holding my head in my hands and feeling the scalp. My hair is gone. Any shorter and I’d be completely bald. I’m new today. Last night I died, and today I was born again, I haven’t changed, but I know I’m not the same. Forty-eight hours ago I wouldn’t have seriously considered putting anyone out of my life, and because I only considered it, I feel better about myself.
I chuckle to myself as I think about this. Nah, I’m not telling her to leave me alone. Why? Love? Is it that easy? I don’t know how a person becomes valuable to me, but she’s managed it, and that means something. That means a lot.
Today, I don’t feel as connected to her as I have for a very very very long time. I can’t say if that’s a sign of things to come, or a sign of simply “getting over” someone, or what.
Let me end this post and talk about something else.