layout: post title: some legitimate pain date: 2005-05-31 12:05:44 published: true —

Finally, after watching a ton of crappy Xangas, I find something that feels genuine. It’s not even a Xanga post, but a comment. (edit …)

Hope…My heart is broken…You will never understand how hurt i was friday night when i got that phone call. i sat there with that bus ticket in my hand and cried all the way to charlotte. i didn’t take friends with me…they live in charlotte. i hate keeping secrets from you…friday night i got a phone call from my half sister nicole. i haven’t heard from her in four years. her husband was killed in a car wreck and she’s eight months pregnant. she called me. of all people she dialed my phone number. the reason i couldn’t talk about it is because no one here knows i’m her sister and i couldn’t explain it on the phone with all those people there. Nikki doesn’t want anyone to know about our real dad. i’m here to help her out and to spend time with my nephew whom i’ve never met till yesterday.

I hate that your mad at me and i hoped you would have understood that i wanted to go. it crushes me that you could actually say that you didn’t think i wanted to go. and as for me never coming back….i went to the bus station to get a refund on my ticket….when we pulled up to the parking lot i couldn’t do it. i’m coming back. or at least i wanted to….but now with you mad at me i don’t know. the fact that you have that little faith in me after all i have done to prove to you how much i love you and how much i would never lie to you or hurt you, and you still said all those things….i don’t know what else to do. if thats all the faith you have in me then i’m sorry i did such a shitty job.

i’m sorry i was such a lousy person. i didn’t know. i love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. i hoped it wouldn’t change it for you…..guess i’m the hopeless one now….there was a song playing on the radio today….the lyrics were weird but the one part i remember was…..I can’t make it on my own because my heart is in ohio…..that threw me into tears…..You’ll never know how hurt i was on saturday afternoon at five o’clock when i wasnt’ on that bus…..or today at three when i was still in nc….but none of that comes close to how many pieces my heart shattered into when i got on this computer and read what you had to write……

I’m sorry i hurt you
Love Forever and Always
Ashley Christine Orr