I recall last weekend that I had a depressive mood on Saturday night. Last night, I did too. Not nearly as bad. An overwhelming sense of impending loneliness didn’t strike me, instead I had the sense that I’ve made a handful of very seriously miscalculated choices recently.
After work, I picked up Katie and brought her over here to finally watch the frickin’ Mothman Prophecies, and shortly after I dropped her off (on the way over, actually) this started. My thoughts for the night waffled between apprehension and regret. This sort of thing, I’d imagine, is normal for anyone facing a life change. I went through this sort of mood all three times that I’ve moved, and when I left Putnam Computer, and when I was trying to get into the Marines. “I’ve done this this and this wrong,” “I don’t think this this and this are going to work out,” Laying in bed, I couldn’t sleep, these thoughts just wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve got Maria’s, which is a solid job that I hate (often). I’m going to Red Lobster, which I don’t perceive (yet) as a solid job that already has some of the earmarks of having the qualities that make me dislike being employed at Maria’s. Dollar General has called three times this week looking for me, they’re hurting for people and my application shows that I’m overqualified (I have a high school diploma or GED) and they’ll pay me three bucks more than I’m making now right off the bat. But Jason hates that job, it’s out of my scope of experience, and it’s farther away (yes, that’s a selling point for me).
Social life choices didn’t really come into play in my thoughts hardcore last night, which I’m thankful for. I know that I’ll never be “alone”, I’m great at making and keeping friends. The thing is that I’ve prescribed to a school of thought that doesn’t keep around Sort-Of-Friends. How a person distinguishes a Sort-Of-Friend from a Friend, I can’t say. I listed off four people in a recent post who I chalk up as my Friends… I’ve got some Internet Friends too, but let’s face it, and Internet Friend is and Internet Friend, when your down, a IM window doesn’t help, when you need help moving something, they’re inaccessible even if they want to help, you can’t eat out with them, etc, etc. I don’t have a lot of Friends, and I like it that way. I have no Sort-Of-Friends, they’re a bad effect on my life. This school of thought developed out of two things, the first being Katie describing her dissatisfaction with a few friends who I would qualify in the Sort-Of-Friends category, and Jhonen Vasquez’s Johnny the Homicidal Maniac series, which the actual bit that I read that really cemented that reasoning, I couldn’t find to quote, sorry.
The distinguishment between Sort-Of and Actual is tricky, but I know, and most people who read this are probably intelligent enough to fill in the blanks left by my communication inadequacies. I’ve dismissed a handful of people who shaped up to be Sort-Ofs. Stop calling, slow to respond to calls, visible lowered enthusiasm about spending time with them, these sort of things. These sort of things are sort of where I’m at now with my Actual friends because of the job change. I’m too busy. This Saturday morning I have nothing I have to do, and that’s great. Absolutely great. I’m sitting here typing, I could run this post for a dozen pages if I wanted, because I have time to do it.
Also, just razoring out a Sort-Of without notice is acceptable too, unless they’re one of the many, many people who populate this planet who are desperate and needy for emotional abutment who think your their best friend/love/hero/role-model/encourager just because you gave them a little bit of sincere attention, then they keep calling until they figure out they’ve been rejected. I don’t know if it’d be better or more mature to tell them the next time they called up that they’re Out. Happened to me once. It hurt. A lot. But it helped.
Depression… Last night as I was standing in the shower… that kind of stand which isn’t productive as far as the act of actually showering goes… the kind that just hopes that the water has some sort of purifying or clarifying properties, and that hope seems to be enough… I recalled that I seem to be well suited for harsh environments. Complaining isn’t something I do about the environment usually. If it’s wicked hot and I’m trying to sleep, I probably will. If it’s wicked cold and I’m trying to sleep, I probably will. Other than that, I keep my mouth shut. I’ll have to be half starved before I complain… Thirst might be a different story, since I’m rather used to consuming large amounts of fluids continually. Maybe I should have spent more time checking into Halliburton. Maybe I should have looked into some missionary group that needs some meat.
This morning, my mom comes in and starts talking to me about health care insurance. Red Lobster has benefits, and I’ll enroll in them once I’m properly full time, until then it’ll be too big of a chunk out of my paycheck. The cons outweigh the pros. My mom offers to pay for it. I tell her I don’t want her to pay for it, I’m 22, and I don’t want to rely on my parents for things. (Yes I live at home with them, yes I eat their food, yes I use their water and electric) She tells me that she saw a woman (I’m guessing on TV) that had one of the two fairly serious health conditions I have (and don’t like talking about, thank you) and this woman alleges that she could go into “cardiac arrest at any time”. Actually, I didn’t know this health condition was serious until this conversation with my mom, so that was a pretty good way of starting my day.
If there are no waffles in my freezer, I will go and find some. Maybe I’ll go back to bed. Maybe I’ll watch Fight Club.