Today, while at “We Love Pets” on Maple, I was with Katie, and she started browsing through the books section (a rotating shelf) and looking at pictures of dogs, I wandered off and started harassing the parrots. If Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, then Enemy of All That Is Good and Holy had a pet, it wouldn’t be a giant scorpion, or a multi-headed dog that breathed flames, or a twisted abomination of humanity, but unquestionably, a parrot. Likely a Hyacinth Macaw.

The bird pictured in this post (editor: picture missing) did that sort of thing that pet store parrots love to do to me. This parrot called out it’s “cawk cawk” to me as I was going by. This is the first step of the parrot’s treachery. I think parrots do this for revenge for themselves and every other animal in the store that’s been f!@#ed with by a sticky fingered, unsupervised kid. So, the bird gets the passerby’s attention, and this is the only non-dog creature in a pet shop that has ever in the history of pet shops done this without wanton murderous intent. The passerby steps at attention to the front of the cage and the parrot starts it’s routine. Young, inexperienced parrots will go right to the side of the cage where the person is at, this is a mistake in the consideration of older, more experienced parrots, who toy with the person a bit. The older parrot will maybe bob it’s head up and down quickly, and sidle closer to the person, or maybe climb around looking very interested at the person, before coming within range of the side of the cage. Young parrots just go right there to start with, which often works, but isn’t as fun for the parrot.

So, now the person is completely enthralled by the parrot and may have encouraged loved ones to pay attention to the “funny bird” as well. That’s why older parrots know to make a show, it attracts more victims. Invariably, the unwary pet store patron will stick his or her finger into the parrot’s man-made lair. Parrots know something that people don’t. Parrots know that their beak can exert 500 pounds of pressure per square inch, and that’s an average parrot, some breeds or well exercised birds can do double that. I’d put money on it that there has been some Petland employee that’s had to recover a toddler’s finger from a malicious parrot enclosure. Parrots hate people. Can’t blame them really.

Here’s the set up. Your flying around all day with your totally awesome family of tucans going from tree to tree in the tropics promoting Froot Loops cereal, and bam! your in a dirty Panamanian’s grimy net and then getting stuffed into a rattan cage to be shipped off to some rich man’s house in the United States where he tells all his friends that don’t care about how expensive you were to acquire, and the only thing that pays you any attention is his sticky fingered kids. No one like’s sticky children. Parrots really don’t like sticky children.

Further research into the parrot/biting phenome led me to this site: BITING PARROTS Why they do it and how to control it. You know what that page says? It says parrots bite people to CONTROL them. The only other pet that I know of that tries to control humans are cats. And cats are evil too, but they have less of a valid reason.

Anyway, that evil bird at “We Love Pets” didn’t get me. I’ve been fooled before by a wicked African Grey, the smartest of all birds. I later found that bit out, that they’re super smart, so I didn’t feel so bad about being tricked by a bird. If I ever win the lottery, I’m going to buy two animals. A goliath bird eating spider and a parrot. Any parrot really. That parrot will serve as the focal point of all of my rage against all parrot species. I’ll put those two in close quarters, and eventually things will just take their course. The spider gets hungry, the parrot slips up, I realize that the camcorder wasn’t on, and now I have to buy another parrot and wait for the spider to get hungry again…

Ok ok ok, your reading this and thinking, “Come on, your really that hateful towards parrots?” I’m not alone. Anyone know of a guy named Steve Irwin? Yeah, the croc hunter. You’ve seen him on Animal Planet. He wrestles the largest reptiles on the planet and swims with sharks and handles the most poisonous creatures in the world. Go ahead, click that link back there. He’s afraid of parrots. There is a very good reason for that, let me tell you what.